I Don't Wanna be a Hypocrite (One Pagans Feelings on Christianity)

This is has been a very difficult post for me to write. I want to make clear up front that this in no way reflects the way all or even the way most of Pagans feel. This is my own personal struggle on something that became important to me to express because no one seems to want to and I feel that its important to weed out hate and misunderstandings wherever we can to better ourselves and our community.

One of the hardest things for me to admit is when I've been a hypocrite. We've all done it at one point or another whether its damning our neighbor for his addictions while we smoke a cigarette or getting mad at a friend for gossiping then turning around and doing the same thing.

We don't like to think of ourselves as hypocrites as we do these things but like it or not we are.

And as I sit here writing this I must shamefully admit that I've been a hypocrite.

I get so frustrated with my family when they lecture me about my faith, my sexuality, etc. All I want is for them to shut up, realize that I'm happy, that my first crush at 5 was a girl and that I've been a practicing Pagan for almost a decade - neither of them are "childish phases" - and to just be happy for me because I'm happy.

Earlier this year we had to put my grandmother into a nursing home. We'd originally thought it would be a temporary stay as she recovered from surgery but her Alzheimer's has progressed so much we had to face that she would probably never live on her own again and get rid of her apartmnet.

My grandmother is a hoarder and - lucky me - the job of sorting through her things - pack, sort, or donate - mainly fell on my shoulders.

Going through her things was hard, not just because it was acknowleding her physical and mental decline - but also because she had book case after book case full of Christian books, cassettes, CD's, VHS's, and DVD's. I had to through these individually (she's preaching on some of them and they were mixed in with everything else) and read such titles as, "The Pocket Guid to Demons, Witches, and the Occult" and "Overcoming Witchcraft". There were also sermons entitled, "The Homosexual Spirit: The Demon that Plagues Our Society", and my personal favorite, "Thou Shalt Suffer Not a Witch to Live: Protecting Your Home and Family from Witchcraft and the Occult."

My grandmother and I had fought for years prior to her illness, it was pretty clear to anyone who saw us together that she hated me. She even went so far, one time, as to accuse me of eventually molesting my son "like all gays do". I'm not a violent person, but she's very lucky my gay girlfriend was there that day when I couldn't see through the red.

So, as I'm going through these things this is all I can think about: Whos the person you threatened to call children services on for dating a woman? This girl. Who is the one who memorized your medial history at 14 and has kept track of all your medical and finances because you were having trouble keeping track of everything? This girl. Who's the girl you called the police on when you found a book on Wicca in her room? This girl. Who's the girl who made sure you made it to the hospital when I knew you were ill and everyone else thought I was exaggerating but the doctor said you would have died had I not? This girl.

Sure its probably childish and petty to think this way under the circumstances but I've seen her multiple times since then and never breathed a word of my momentary anger. All the same, in the moment all the old anger was dredged up again.

Every Christian article I picked up my lip curled in disgust, I would scoff at some things, throw some things away on the principle of refusing to spread hate.

A couple days later when my hind sight was a little clearer I realized how haughty I was being - which led to me realizing that this had been going on for some time to a lesser degree.

The pang of annoyance when my incredibly sweet dentists cross hangs in my eyes while he's working, the impatience I feel when my live-in relative comes home and starts talking about the sermon he heard at church, the small flare of anger I felt when the eye doctor told my daughter to kneel like she was praying in church before he examined her eyes.

Am I really beginning to resent Christianity this much?

I try to teach my children to be accepting of all spiritual paths - all religions - I pray that my family can just come to accept me as I am and stop asking me to change - then here I am - my lip curling without conscious thought when I see their religious symbols.

There's part of me that says, "This is a religion that has rarely shown me any face besides that of condemnation and judgment. This is the faith that my parents hold that caused them to mock me, question my sanity; my character all because I love differently. Why should I like them?"

Then there's that better part of me that replies, "Because you cant paint them all with the same brush - prejudice is prejudice. You have friends that are Christians that treat you fine and you love them! You're better than this. Acceptance goes both ways!"

So the question is:  is it really necessary...important...to try to be accepting/understanding of people who see us this way? As demon possessed and stupid, whose "Good Book" teaches them not to care whether we live or die, some of them may even pity the eternal damnation in hell they believe we're destined for on this path. Its hard to be too accepting of a faith that encourages its followers to fear us - especially when fear so often leads to hate in the human heart.

Is it enough to be ok with and be accepting of the fact that they believe differently than I while simultaneously rolling your eyes at so much they believe? Is this normal or too conflicting?

How do you align what you know to be right with how you feel when it isn't?

Each of us are individuals - I think this is what I need to remind myself of right now - you're going to find your Christians who are fine with everyone believing what they feel is right for them and then you're going to find others who want to begin quoting scripture at you and lecturing.

I just need to take my own advice and make the decision to work on this; to catch and correct myself when I start thinking that way, etc.

One day at a time I guess.

Have you dealt with this? How do you feel about it? What do you think? Am I right or wrong?

Willow
www.facebook.com/pagansayswhat