Kids are Cruel
A statement I've heard many times over the years when discussing bullying, "Kids are cruel". Yet, whenever the cruelty so many children seem to possess is mentioned in conversation that isn't following a story of bullying, many peoples knee jerk reaction is to defend them:
Bullying starts at home...
They learn it from their parents...
The media nowadays...
They just don't realize....
And to this I have one very firm statement to make
BULL
Maybe you were a child 5 years ago, 10, 50 - whatever, think back, did you occasionally say things that hurt peoples feelings without realizing that it might do so? OF COURSE! That happens when you've yet to be taught social etiquette and thus have no brain to mouth filter. But can you think of an instance where another child took your toy or made you angry and you said something intentionally cruel? No? Then you were either a saint or have poor/selective memory.
I remember the one person I've really ever bullied and I'll never forget her. I was in 4th grade and had just started a new school; and on my very first day two of the "popular girls" started talking to me and we just clicked - for the first time in my life. This aggravated the first girl I met in my class though (lets call her Tiffany) and Tiffany threw a fit. Both of my new friends tried to tell her to calm down but she blew up to the point that teachers actually came to check on the situation.
Now, my new friends were not normally bullies and in fact were nice and funny; they quickly became my best friends. But something about Tiffany's outburst that first day seemed to draw a target on her back and, in large part I believe, because it embarrassed all three of us when every eye on the playground was watching.
For the the rest of that school year and the one that followed - we didn't call her names and encourage others too - we simply shunned her ourselves and our large (by 5th grade) group of friends followed suite - and it was only made worse by the fact that she insisted on tagging along with us every school-day despite knowing when she was excluded from birthday parties and weekend sleepovers. She kept trying.
That knowledge breaks my heart looking back - because we thought it was funny! I'd been bullied before but something about that tiny bit of power without 'stepping over some line', as I chose to see it, was like a high.
The summer between 5th and 6th grade I was past my power-hungry-at-others-expense attitudeand by high school I was back to being bullied though this time relentlessly. Part of me felt it was karma, the fact that I was suicidal.
But now onto the present. My son is in kindergarten and I volunteer weekly at his school. Tutoring kids in the hallway, reading books, organizing stuff for his teacher, etc. Already - at the tender ages of 5-6 - I've seen bullying.
Right before Winter Vacation I was out in the hall doing an activity with each child individually and once complete I'd send the child into the classroom and have them send out another. I'm working with this adorably tiny girl, she's barely taller than my 3 year old and she's almost 6, and I send her in to get another girl. Her face falls and her skin tone yellows when I mention who to get and she whispers, "O...ok". I asked her if she felt ok and she just nodded her head and walked into the class.
The next girl comes out and we proceed to work on the assignment. After a few minutes however she says, "Why did you send in the weird girl?" Perplexed, I asked her what she meant, "That weird girl you sent in to get me. She's stupid and everybody knows it."
My jaw dropped - and for a moment I felt like I was in high school and the child in me wanted to say "Well she understood what we're doing better than you do" (which was true but not the point). I took a deep breathe and said, "Listen, those aren't the kinds of things you say about people - someday it might be you - just think about that." I closed the activity we were working on and told her to go and got the next child myself.
After class I stayed to let the teacher know what I'd heard, bullying should never have to be endured in silence. That's when she informed me of something that made me so proud:
"Did your son not tell you about what happened a few weeks ago?"
"Tell me what?"
"Well, he did the sweetest thing. (Mean girl) and a group of her friends were teasing (Little girl) on the playground. I had just noticed it myself when your son came up and put his arm around her, looked straight into the group of girls and said, "She's my friend, so I wouldn't. Go find something else to do!" Made my heart swell!"
Mine did too.
It made me feel like he heard me this past spring when he was being mean to a couple of kids on his t-ball team. I was trying to talk to him about bullying and he wasn't paying attention and finally I ended up talking to him a little bit about what I was forced to deal with in school. By the end of my short explanation I was crying (something I rarely do) and I guess it stuck with him.
I am not harsh with my children, I don't yell often, I don't smack, I don't name call or shame but my son was bullying - where did he learn it then?
Now, before I go any further just let me say this - I am not in any ways saying that children don't learn these things from home - some do - some also learn it from the TV, other children they meet, etc. This is just one thing in particular I've noticed. Kids shows.
Have you ever watched, for example, iCarly? A spunky spoiled girl being raised by her older brother, has way too much freedom, her best friend is a girl named Sam who's a notorious thief, has a reputation for fighting and seems to be on the frequent fliers list at their local juvenile prison and her mother seems to be all but entirely absent. Her other best friend is a boy whose mother cares but they have her character so psychotic that you cant see the regular parent through all the crazy - she is the over dramatic dramatization of over protective parent and the boy, Freddy, is made fun of all the time for it. I had to ban the show from our house because my son was starting to think that Sam was cool and started trying to mimic her which left him shoving his sister down, stealing out of my purse, and back mouthing - he was 3.
Children are not born with empathy, its not like breathing, blinking, eating, etc. It is a learned behavior and from what I'm seeing and constantly hearing tells me that too many kids these days aren't learning it.
The ground roots of empathy begin with the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes. Even if its something you've never experienced before, you can read a story about someone losing a child for example and you find yourself tearing up - its heart breaking - your mind shuns even trying to truly imagine what they have to be going through but your heart feels constricted at just the thought.
I was a very sensitive child - I think a lot of this came from my mother (who is a major drama queen, gods love her) constantly telling me horror/cautionary tales that left me fearful of pretty much everything for a long time. But it also came from movies like, Old Yeller.
I got my first puppy, Katie, when I was 4 and she was my best friend just like Yeller was to Travis and Arliss. Then they had to watch him get sick and finally Travis was forced to shoot him. I bawled, who didn't the first time they saw that movie? But it gave me a new perspective, a new appreciation and when my neighbors dog was hit by a car I felt like I could imagine it - I'd never been there - but I understood it a little better.
What children's movie in this day and age doesn't have a happy ending? I can't think of any. They all seem to end happily with no loose ends and the only losers are the villains who obviously deserve it, right? At my kids ages, they're too young to have to be subjected to the full repercussions of when the bad guy does win but it would be nice to have some reinforcement beyond my telling them that sometimes it works out that way.
Kids need to be allowed to have a childhood - and yes - that childhood NEEDS to be a happy one. But kids also need to learn a full range of emotions and not only understand them but control them when necessary. They take cues from their parents but also their super heroes, their princesses, their cartoons, etc.
Childhood comes and goes in what feels like the blink of an eye, and in the end it is the very foundation of adulthood. What are we unleashing on the world with future generations who've never been taught to understand that there's not always a happy ending to every story - and it brings anger and it brings depression - but if you pick yourself up and try again and write a new chapter in your life - that story just might have the desired results.
We want our children to be the heroes not the villains. Whether that child becomes the accountant working tirelessly to help their client and their family keep their home or the fire fighter pulling people from burning buildings - they are heroes and these are the acts of strength and kindness we hope to see in their futures.
A little empathy goes a long way.
Blessings,
Willow
