On June 16th, 2 days after my last post, my grandmother passed away in her sleep around 3:15 am. The nursing home called us a little after 3 saying they didn't think she'd make it through the night. We rushed to get there as quickly as possible - dashed into her room and I grabbed her hand to find that she had no pulse...we'd just missed her.
I survived until 11pm on 3 hours of sleep because, and if you've every lost a close family member you'll know what I'm talking about but if you haven't, there are about a zillion things to do right after a family member passes that no one really ever talks about or that you never really think about.
We're lucky in the respect that my uncle and I had taken my grandmother in January of this year to pre-plan her funeral so I suppose the majority of things were taken care of but they wanted 30 pictures for a slideshow that would play during the showing/funeral and a picture of the obituary for the next day - sooo - I spent hours upon hours going through boxes of photos to try and narrow down just 30 - a number that felt nearly impossible to narrow down to with pictures of over 75 years of life but I managed.
Then there was setting up where the reception would take place and letting family members know and sharing their tears repeatedly and it was just a lot to deal with. Project after project went by throughout the week from creating picture boards for the funeral to choosing clothing for her burial and finally we reached the day of her funeral.
I knew what to expect in the sense that it would be extremely religious - extremely Christian - and that was all extremely fine with me because that's exactly how she would've wanted it.
But still...."Jesus loves you and you know your grandma did too", "Ya know you can see her again and I know you were raised in church so I know you know how to do it", etc, etc.
All I wanted to hear was 1 person just say, "Your grandmother lived a long, eventful, and fulfilling life - whatever it is that she need to learn in this lifetime - I'm sure she succeeded and the Goddess took her happily into the Otherworld and whether its there or in another life you'll meet again - she's happy."
But no one said it.
Which really isn't surprising, all of the attendees were Christians - again which is fine - but I was hurting inside and I needed to mourn my way too.
Things weren't helped when my son ran up to me bawling because someone corrected him saying that grandma was with the Goddess and that she'd live again someday but saying quite bluntly, "Your grandma is never going to live here again - she's in Heaven with God and she'll stay there, there is no Goddess."
That was fun
Oh and my favorite moment when the wife of one of my grandma's old friends - lets call her "Eve" in place of her actual biblical name. Comes up to me and hugs me for a really long time; I don't know this woman well and never have, and I'm really not comfortable with contact with people to begin with let alone people I don't know anything besides their name - and the entire time she's talking about Jesus and church and redemption and damnation. Finally she gets to the point, "And ya know if ya wanna see you're grandma again you're going to have to stop all this partying." I push out of her arms at that point, "Excuse me, I don't party - having the occasional drink with dinner while at a restaurant does not constitute as partying and you don't know anything about me." She gives me a condescending/knowing look and says in her best kindergarten teachers voice, "Well, you stopped going to church and..." I cut her off, "Not going to church does not mean I'm a partyer - I don't drink - I don't do drugs - and frankly, if I did what business of yours would it be. Doesn't the Bible say something about dealing with the log in your own eye before worrying about the splinter in your brothers or something along that line? My relationship or lack of it is between me and God - you're not involved. Now, I'm here mourning the passing of my grandmother - if you've got any further issue with me, my lifestyle or anything I just said - then you're not welcome here." and walked away. She was smart and said nothing else to me either that day or the day of the funeral.
But all in all - the showing - the funeral - they were lovely...as lovely as the event could be. The shell of my grandmother laying at the front of the room while people milled about mingling and looking at pictures of her as she was in life disturbed me - she was a bright white spot in a cream blue casket and she drew the eye - it hurt my heart.
It might be selfish of me, but to some extent I was relieved when it was all over. Funerals are supposed to lead to closure but to me it took away from the whole mourning process. I wanted time to remember her in my own way, heal in my own way, and part of that healing was to get things back to normal as much as possible for myself and for my family. Remember her in my way.
She was a nurse and a pastor for a long time, she was the woman who helped raised me, she was the woman who helped me get a way with things in my childhood and my adolescence, she was the first person I told I was pregnant with my son, she was short-tempered and quick to yell cause she was full of fire, she was the biggest procrastinator I've ever met, she would spy on the neighbors and gossip like a teenager but never to someone who would spread it, she cussed and smoked like a chimney and watched way way WAY too much Fox News for health, she loved pigs and had more pictures of Jesus than every church in this town put together, she doodled on every piece of paper left in front of her too long and her hand writing and mine are so similar we could forge each others signatures, she judged me and we screamed at each other but in the end we loved each other - and I find comfort in being able to say that when it mattered I was there and I loved her and I let go of the past so that I could be there when she needed me.
2 nights after her funeral was the full moon. I took one of the flower arrangements from the funeral and went out into the backyard and used the flowers to mark my circle - I called the quarters and cast my circle and I had a heart to heart with my patroness - she was very there with me; a strong listening presence. We spoke of life, and love and loss - my thankfulness for the people in my life and the time I have with them. In times of loss we can't help but be reminded of our own mortality - feel vulnerable to the hands of death. Death may lead to the next great adventure but I'm not done with this one, time just feels so precious.
Its been almost 2 months now and life is evening back out. Her estate is settled, her paperwork has been gone through (and believe me there was a ton of it, my poor neck) and I can focus on my life and what a life I have ahead of me. My children, my wedding, my kids graduating elementary, junior high, high school, college maybe, their marriages, my grand babies....it brings tears to my eyes. So much joy. So much life.
Thank you Mother Goddess, Father God for it.
Willow
I should be writing more now that things have settled down. Look for more posts in the near future!
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